The Book of Joshua P!!

http://www.antiviolence.us/

In just a few hours this thing begins here, in my face. It’s such a strange pensiveness, what will be surely just a few hours before the 8o’clock door opening. I guess you could view it as the "calm before the storm, but I’m ironically serene about the whole thing. Maybe I just like being part of big projects, being able to say how great it is and still remain humble since it wasn’t my brainchild. I am unendingly proud of Sam for doing this… I’m sure I’ve only seen a sliver of the toll this labor of love has taken on him… I called him earlier today, he was napping… he sounded like shit, but maybe it was just sleep grogginess. I buy lottery tickets with him in mind… I have this little daydream of financially setting those I love free to pursue happiness… Not give them everything, mind you, but the resources to make anything happen, to make things like this benefit something we can pour ourselves into without running ragged. Freelance Philanthropy if you will…

I hope we see you tonite. Bring some friends and get some goodie bags and raffle tickets.

I just had to throw this post in first today…

new happenings in my life…

Satellite is back every Saturday, and I’ve gone every week since it opened. It’s still probably my favorite club. I wish I was cool enough to DJ there. (hint hint!) I’m officially inviting you all to come with me and Molly to it next Saturday.

I’m on Zoloft during the day and Seroquel at night. It’s nice being able to sleep, but I cut the Zoloft back to half dose… feeling generically good all day without knowing why was making start to believe I was genuinely insane… way too manic for me. I only take the Seroquel when I have trouble falling asleep, not every night… they say these things aren’t habit forming, but psychological dependence can’t really be gauged, can it? I’ll just exercise conservative caution and try to put as little junk in me as possible.

I just signed with the Brass casting agency on Friday. I really like the ethic they have behind what they do. I’ve got a feeling this was a very positive step in my life…

on my way there, I stopped into the Ace gallery in Beverly Hills… they’ve got a exhibit going on right now, "High Fashion Crime Scenes" by Melanie Pullen… YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS. It’s awesome, and their curators are very friendly, I suggest you chat with them. This exhibit closes Sept. 1st, so "hop to it".

Tomorrow morning my father (Sam’s too!) goes in for a biopsy on a "lump". I’m not making any assumptions of what you pray to, but please put in a good word or thought for him. It’s really unfortunate that my folks will be missing Antiviolence, but something like this is not to be ignored, and we very much value his ongoing health, and we’re sure to do all sorts of other stuff they can come and be with us at I love you, Dad. Thanks for chanting with me today. I’m sure we’ll pull through this just fine.

Anyone seen Molly’s Del Taco commercial? That thing’s on like every hour!! She’s the nerdy smart-mouth that sasses back to "Del Taco Dan"… her line is: "What are you gonna do, put it in a museum.. of… authentic tacos?"
Congrats to her, she totally deserves to have success. I’m sure this is just the beginning for her.

Anyone want an old Mac PowerPC for free?

You may be my new friend here on friendster, but known me for a long time, or not at all… I had some bizarre penchant to make sure that everyone I recognized and had a profile of Friendster I submitted a friend request to them / you. So far this has yielded really neat results, and I’m learning the names of some people I always just said "hey you!" when I saw them out because I didn’t want to seem like a jerk because I didn’t remember their name. As with a lot of things, I may be the only one who admits it freely, but it is something we all do… though I think I’m one of the few who feel bad about it.

I guess this could be considered my first opening volley to saying thank you for giving from your heart: offering my hand in friendship. If I asked you to be my friend in error, or you don’t like me and just wanted to donate to a good cause… well, good for you. I still like you and think you are worthy of admiration, so you should therefore consider my offer of friendship in that light….

Strange… in the third grade I won the Easter Spelling Bee…. the main prize was a HUGE (well it seemed big to me) chocolate bunny and some other crap and further distancing myself from any hope of being a popular child… guess what the winning word for me was? I shit you not, the guy before me misspelled it too… it was the word "Friend"… no joke, I knew how to spell it from writing in my notebook all day "I wish I had a friend…" about 100 times.

Now don’t you feel all gooey and warm to be my friend? Yay! You’re a good human. (cue Golden Girls theme song… "thank you for being a friend….")

I got ‘em, thanks to you folks! My two front teeth are back intact (well, actually they’re partially fake, but that’s OK)… thank you especially to my brother, Sam, for being so gracious to Paypal me the money to get my teeth done. I’ll try to get this cost reimbursed as well in addition to everything else thus far so we can make Antiviolence a 100% donation to the NCVC. I go in tomorrow afternoon for more X-rays at the USC dental clinic…
<tangent> Talk about bizarre… the student assigned to do my teeth, his first name is Samuel, and his middle name is Joshua. </tangent>

I’d like to say a quick "what’s up" to DJ Hellraver of Terrorfakt, and I want to directly thank you for all your effort in the early formation of Antiviolence. As time progresses, I will try to keep in mind that much, if not all of the success of this endeavor owes responsibility to your willingness to put forth your time and knowledge for a stranger. I hope to get to pay back the kindness, and to help you in any way I can with your goals. I really enjoyed your show this past Saturday night (I wish I could have stayed to the end, but I had to get to other clubs that volunteered their flier kids to flier for Antiviolence). On that note, thanks also to Jason for mixing in the fliers with the stacks Saturday night! I’ll be sure to hit you up again sometime soon.

aaaah…. Saturday night… It was a great time, and really nice to see so many old friends there. Thanks for driving me Eric; I’m positive that a V8 powered Audi is just the thing to cheer me up! But really, I had soooo much apprehension just about being in public in general. I’m amazed I dealt as well as I did and didn’t freak out. It was my first night "out" without Molly, but luckily I always had a friend somewhere in sight…. the mental toll my assault has taken on me affects me in such strange ways. I really hope that I can truly function "alone" soon. It’d be nice to be able to go to unfamiliar places and not have heart palpitations. I don’t like this. I don’t like being afraid so often. I never had this fear in my heart before this happened… I had ignorance and naivete and what I suppose was a feeling of freedom.

Not anymore.

If I am somewhere strange alone even during the day, my heart starts racing. I can’t even imagine trying to go somewhere new entirely alone after dark. I doubt that will ever happen. At least no one is razzing me about my decision not to drink since the assault, though you never quite realize how much a part alcohol is of socializing until it becomes vitally important to your sanity that you maintain 110% alertness at all times. I’m not anti-alcohol, because then I’m disenfranchising people needlessly and just opening up more personal politics to scrutiny… The simple reality is that I’m just really scared to give anyone something that makes me more their target, as would anyone who’s been profiled in some manner and then had unfair odds set against them or outright victimization…

To all the dicks who think I should "learn karate before the next time"… your words have had some effect, pat yourself on the back. Your violent society is slowly terrorizing the individual and stripping away our feelings of safety and freedom. Terrorism in your own backyard, if you like to think of it that way.

Anyone recall a phrase, "Not in my backyard (the Nimby Syndrome)", or "namby pamby"? Somewhere in my spazzing there, I just found out they’re not really the same thing, but the both have a knack for being understood in my heart and pissing me off at the same time. Who knew?

Damn it’s late, and "I was just gettin’ to the good stuff"… G’nite, rotting beef carcasses and non-canadians.